The Journey of Creation

3 months into the project of rebuilding my website, with the target launch date being adjusted 3 times, I've become unforgiving with myself. I have been monitoring my self-abuse, so I know my self-beating alarm is super sensitive. While I've been patting my back for not beating up myself, what I didn't realize is that the more pressure I feel the more pushy I become with Tracy. Not good for our relationship, not good for the progress of my project for I rely on him for technical assistance in this project.

What awaken me from this was a combination of realizations and practices, starting with the practice of being my lower emotions like frustration, impatience, disappointment, and with my judgement. No matter how uncomfortable that feels. To avoid any of that is to be judgmental, even the avoidance of being judgmental is judgmental in and of itself.

Once I realized the being of judgmental is not what got me in trouble, it is the avoidance, or the resistance, of being judgmental because I deem it "bad" that really got me in trouble with myself; when I'm not being authentic I'm out of alignment with my being. No amount of being "good" is going to get me back to that sense of balance which comes only from an existence based in authenticity. As I went through the exercise of being each emotion and judgment that I've suppressed or circumspect, I started feeling a sense of becoming whole once again, piece by piece. It was gradual. I felt something in me shifted. I feel . . . balance. And with that a moment of clarity. I noticed myself coming out of contraction and becoming open and relaxed.

Which is a very good thing, it allows me to really listen which led to my realization that I was so wound up with making the launch date that I missed a couple of the more fundamental pieces of the building blocks in my project. Without which is like pushing a boulder uphill. In my course correction, I rediscover the joy of creation, which is in the creative process. Much like happiness is a journey, not a destination. I've been overly obsessing over the end product of the creation to the point where the creating becomes a struggle, where is the fun and joy in that? While intensity and passion are potent fuel in creation, this, is definitely sometime else and it sure sucks all the fun out. Time to re-calibrate my focus!

With that I've employ the advanced stickies technique shown by Nancy Duarte to given myself a visual approach that is both stimulating and provocative in defining my menu layout of my new website. Who would have thunk, I needed to take one step back in order to move forward!