Paradox

As I pay more attention to my own "battery" gauge, especially with the tight delivery timelines at work as well as with my own business and personal engagements, it just dawn on me that sometimes, it is when I thought I should push myself most that I needed to lay the pushing off of myself.

To move myself forward I need to start with letting go of the pushing. A paradox. I know.

You see, when I find myself taking more energy to push myself than what is needed to get the work done, it is a good indication that the battery level of my mind and/or body is lower than I thought. It is best to listen and honor that. So I took an hour detour at Borders today, giving my mind a chance to unwind, reading comic books.

A Vital Touch of Decadence

It was hard to think about a touch of decadance when I'm over-exhausted. In fact, I didn't even realize I was heading in a downward direction until I was at the bottom of the pit. It has been a very intense couple of weeks, I underestimated the amount of my output and did not adjust my rest & recharge accordingly.

Want to stay at a higher vibrtion, got to keep my battery fully charged - I got it.

The good thing about falling off track is that in finding my way back I realized, a touch of decadence could lead to much needed vitality. A 5-min energy balancing meditation; a little effort to help my body get more hydrated; a 5-min yoga routine break in the middle of the day to breath and stretch; incorporating a quick pressure point massage to increase circulation when I moisturize my face; alternating between a hot and cold burst at the end of my shower to help boost my body's natural detox - all these require me to give myself the luxury of extra time and attention in a very hectic schedule, yet it has made all the difference because it has contributed to my vitality and the improvement of my overall well being.

The Journey of Creation

3 months into the project of rebuilding my website, with the target launch date being adjusted 3 times, I've become unforgiving with myself. I have been monitoring my self-abuse, so I know my self-beating alarm is super sensitive. While I've been patting my back for not beating up myself, what I didn't realize is that the more pressure I feel the more pushy I become with Tracy. Not good for our relationship, not good for the progress of my project for I rely on him for technical assistance in this project.

What awaken me from this was a combination of realizations and practices, starting with the practice of being my lower emotions like frustration, impatience, disappointment, and with my judgement. No matter how uncomfortable that feels. To avoid any of that is to be judgmental, even the avoidance of being judgmental is judgmental in and of itself.

Once I realized the being of judgmental is not what got me in trouble, it is the avoidance, or the resistance, of being judgmental because I deem it "bad" that really got me in trouble with myself; when I'm not being authentic I'm out of alignment with my being. No amount of being "good" is going to get me back to that sense of balance which comes only from an existence based in authenticity. As I went through the exercise of being each emotion and judgment that I've suppressed or circumspect, I started feeling a sense of becoming whole once again, piece by piece. It was gradual. I felt something in me shifted. I feel . . . balance. And with that a moment of clarity. I noticed myself coming out of contraction and becoming open and relaxed.

Which is a very good thing, it allows me to really listen which led to my realization that I was so wound up with making the launch date that I missed a couple of the more fundamental pieces of the building blocks in my project. Without which is like pushing a boulder uphill. In my course correction, I rediscover the joy of creation, which is in the creative process. Much like happiness is a journey, not a destination. I've been overly obsessing over the end product of the creation to the point where the creating becomes a struggle, where is the fun and joy in that? While intensity and passion are potent fuel in creation, this, is definitely sometime else and it sure sucks all the fun out. Time to re-calibrate my focus!

With that I've employ the advanced stickies technique shown by Nancy Duarte to given myself a visual approach that is both stimulating and provocative in defining my menu layout of my new website. Who would have thunk, I needed to take one step back in order to move forward!

Oozing Greatness

I realized my greatness is not conditioned upon my having profound realizations; Not a sliver of profound realization and my greatness wouldn't have flickered or dimmed, not even a wee bit. That's how great this greatness is. So what I really need to focus on is relaxing into this knowing, not trying so hard looking for proof to assert my greatness. What is me could never be lost. And what greatness I glimpsed within me, there's more where that comes from. All I have to do is stop squeezing, milking or juicing it and it would all but ooze out of me, naturally and continually. It couldn't be helped, there is so much greatness within me there is no way I could contain it all inside me. Then again, why would I? Like the divine purpose of an acorn is to grow into a mighty oak tree, the entelechy of my greatness is to flow through me and out into the world.

When I'm all caught up in admonishing myself for not doing enough, I miss out on what great work I do on the work I did get done. That is not honoring my own greatness. I've just discover another red flag - whenever I find myself trying hard to assert my greatness, look instead on where have I fail to honor my greatness.