Lady Virna Liberty

I had an awesome week!! Went hiking TWICE last weekend! I decided to choose going out into the nature with Tracy when after having long days at work the whole week my default is to sit in front of computer to catch up on my own stuff. And I realized I didn't need to block all day to do my stuff, in fact I'm happier when I allow myself to go out to play because then I'm more balanced and I would still get the important stuff that needs done, done. And when I am out playing, I actually make more discoveries and therefore increases my awareness even more! Like:

1) I'm more inclined to choose curiosity over comfort of familiarity 

2) There is actually enough time for rest, chores, and play

when I take care of my priorities

and they (priorities) aren't always "stuff I gotta do" 

3) It is not the stuff that needs doing that takes a lot of time, 

it is the THINKING of how to do the stuff that needs doing that takes a lot of time!! 

This is TERRIFIC!! I feel a little freer with each realization that liberates me a little more from my limiting believes! I'm so happy! And I also get more playful!

I SEE Me Through Seurat's Crazy Dots

As I was watching 20130401《殷瑗小聚》秀拉與點描派 (a Chinese program about Seurat and Pointillism) I had a realization. The coldness that I so disliked in Seurat's painting, that which I rejected every time I came across his paintings like A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte and Bathers at Asnières, was actually not what I was TRULY rejecting. What I was truly rejecting was that sense of alone-ness I feel within. And that "coldness" in his painting was reflecting this back to me.

I was very uncomfortable with feeling this sense of alone-ness within yet I didn't know what to do with it. Just 12 days ago I was there, at that deepest pit of despair and feeling total alone. It wasn't that I do not have friends and family around me that I was feeling alone. I was feeling so alone because I was so stressed out financially and desperately needing help yet I just couldn't seem to open my mouth and ask for it.

When they were explaining how the technique Seurat used in those two paintings were different from other impressionistic artists, rather than painting in the light, he was creating the light from within using contrast and texture. It is then that I realized I was so focus on rejecting the part that reflects my inner state, which I was uncomfortable with, I've totally missed the beauty of his work that is THIS - bringing out the light from within! Now when I look at those two paintings again, I'm able to see them with "New Eyes"

They continue to talk about how Seurat's style of painting is composed of dots rather than strokes (Pointillism) there by creating a sense of form and emptiness (non-form) both existing together. And I noticed up until that point his dotting style was so very disconcerting for me. All of a sudden I realized why - because I don't like uncertainty! I didn't even realize that to me a form "should be" clear and defined. And stroke is certain and clear cut, where as a bunch of dots just makes me crazy because they are form yet they don't quite feel like form because the bigger picture wasn't made up of solid clear cut strokes!

My need for certainty is so strong that anything that suggests a hint of uncertainty will trigger my fear of the unknown.

But if I truly look at the world around me, everything is temporary in that everything changes with time.  My emotions are temporary - when I am sad I don't stay sad forever. Thank goodness! My current situation, no matter how tough it is, too shall pass. There is a time for existence and like wise there is a time for non existence. Life itself is of a cyclical nature, birth and death are both parts of this cycle, hence the end of something is also the beginning of something else. When I can fully accept and be at peace with this, I am going WITH the flow of life. When I insist on wanting something to be the same forever, resisting the change in the season, fighting a situation because I don't like the change it brings, I am going AGAINST the flow of life.

The way into WHOLENESS is through embracing all the contrasting pieces, good-bad, birth-death, light-dark, etc. Finding the certainty within the uncertainty allows me to be able to stay in the NOW and be open to the unknown.

Holy cow.

What do you know - I see ME in my INNER STATE as I look at Seurat's painting. 

Who would have thunk?!